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Daredevil/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW Oh, don't worry. I'm just faking this. Pullin' the chute, I think they call it. I just wanted to show you what a great tool these adjustable canes are for any of you travelling handymen out there. For starters, when the attendant at the gate says, "now boarding all first class passengers "and those needing assistance," that means you. First class treatment on a third class ticket. And once you get inside the plane, this baby really kicks into high gear. Use it to stuff your bags under the seat; or turn your light on; or turn the other guy's light off; or flip her around and bring the refreshment cart a little bit closer. Okay, here's the best part... Once you get your seat the way you like it, just adjust the cane so it jams up against the next guy's headrest. That way, when he's inclined to recline, you'll be able to decline. So if any of you have got any air travel coming up, I suggest you take along one of these babies. In fact, you can take mine. Apparently, I'm not allowed to go on airplanes for a while. [ cheers and applause ] all right. Thank you very much. All right. Okay. Well, it's a big, big week up at the lodge this week. You know part of harold's job is to put on these special events to attract tourists into the area here. Boy, he's come up with a dandy this time... He's hired local daredevil, psycho ernie, to jump over the lodge on a motorcycle. If he makes it, he breaks a record; and if he doesn't, he breaks 'something.' either way, it's a huge crowd pleaser. Uncle red! [ cheers and applause ] problem? We have a we have a problem. Yes! Psycho ernie backed out. I was just talking to him yesterday. He was all excited about it. Even more so when he found out we're the same blood type and I've got two kidneys. I have no idea what you two were talking about, but when you finished talking, he found god. All I said was: "after the jump I'll see you on the other side." I meant the other side of the lodge. Yeah, well, now that he's found out about hell, he's very concerned about dying. Well, maybe you can reason with him. Ha! You reason with a guy named psycho. Well, harold, I guess we'll have to cancel. No! No, we can't. We're expecting people from all over the tri-county area. And I sold a lot of tickets to the senior community. I'm not about to tell those dear, sweet old grandparents they're not gonna see any blood on Sunday. Well, then we're gonna lacement. But who do we know that would be stupid enough to try to jump over the lodge? [ laughter and applause ] it's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] today's prize is this grab bag of previously enjoyed footwear gathered from the roads in our area. Who knows? There might be a matching pair in here. Uh, mr. Green, you got 30 seconds to get winston -- yeah, that's right. Cover your ears. -- To say this word... All right. Okay. And go! Okay, winston, this is an event. You have music and fat people singing. Last year's christmas party? No, no. There's a phrase... Phantom of the... Underpants. Okay, this is something that italian people enjoy. Sausage. No, this is something that's really loud. You're sure it's not sausage? Almost outta time, mr. Green. What does the name pavarotti mean to you? I believe it's a type of cheese. Now, winston, you know this one. Why are you answering the wrong answers every time? Are you doing that on purpose? Red, it's just a game. Don't turn it into a soap opera. [ ♪ ] okay, today on talking animals, local animal control officer ed frid is gonna tell us a little bit about the snapping turtle. Come on up here, ed. Come on, now, ed. I mean, the turtle is just lying there. Well, sure, he's moving pretty slowly now, but he could strike at any time. Sounds like an auto worker. [ laughter and applause ] hey, I'm not joking here, red. He could sit there for hours, just laying in wait. And then when you're not looking... Ambush! Okay. Okay. Ar! Ar! Ar! You know, ed, this thing looks pretty harmless to me. [ shushing ] you wanna get him mad? He's got ears, you know? He doesn't have ears. Well, no, but they can read lips. What do you feed a snapping turtle, anyway, ed? Well, almost anything you find in the water. I stocked this tank with crayfish, snails, fish stuff. I don't see anything in here. Why don't you bring one of those out to show to us? Well, I can think of a few reasons why not. Okay, fine, then bring the turtle out. That'll be fine. Okay, I'll get you a snail. But that's it, okay? Just don't startle him or nothing. Just get the -- got a few in here. What? Oh! Oh! ( sigh of relief.) you go. Oh, there [ applause ] that wasn't so bad, eh, ed? Didn't you have a watch on? Oh, my watch! [ chomp! ] [ screaming ] ed! Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed! Take him down to the lake. He'll swim away! Put him in the lake! Put him in the lake! Don't worry. Don't worry. He's just taking him down to the lake. He'll put him in there, and he'll swim away. [ splash ] there. He's gonna be fine. [ chomp! ] [ ed screaming ] uh, it wasn't fine. [ screaming ] you know, gardening is a lot of work. I know because I often zap by the gardening channel between games. But you know the thing I don't like about gardening? Well, there are so many, but the main one is that you're totally at the whim of the weather. Well, no more. I can drive this portable garden to get the weather I want. I can drive it into the sun or sneak it under my neighbour's sprinkler for watering. Heck, if there's a risk of frost, I can park my whole garden in the garage. Now, I know some people grow stuff for salads and casseroles, but they eat vegetables. I got a way better idea. Take a bucket of water. Throw a little sugar in -- actually, a lot of sugar. Then you add some brewer's yeast. Okay, mix that stuff real good in there. Then what you wanna do is pour that into your gas tank. That's gonna become the base of your alternate fuel. Now all we do is add some corn from our portable garden here. So first of all, get rid of your gas cap. Replace that with a battery powered garburator, and you're in business. Okay, just let that ferment in there for a while, as you do with all the truly good things in life. And then you're good to go. I'll tell you, that's the cheapest fuel you'll ever find. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. [ engine won't turn over ] it might be a little hard to start, and actually, when it does get going, it smells like a giant tortilla. [ engine starts ] make sure you don't sit in the unit too long. You could get root rot. [ applause ] ] I wanna talk to you middle-aged guys who think it's too late for you... Too late for a new career; too late for success; too late to apologize for what you did in the hot tub. And now you're thinking about quittin' your job and opening a brand new fast food restaurant. All your friends say you're crazy... You're gonna just say good-bye to your pension, and you're gonna lose all your seniority, plus the good ideas only come from young people. Are they right? Probably. But you need to know that ray crock was 65 before he started mcdonald's. And colonel sanders was into his 70s before kentucky fried chicken started showing a profit. The moral: Fast food is good for you. And I figure those guys are a lot older than you are right now. So I say go for it. People have proven that they love salt and fat, and you look like a winner to me! Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. You know, people don't realise how scientific motorcycle jumping is. You've gotta take into account the balance of the bike, the approach angle, and the thickness of the rider's head. But I think we're good to go, right, mike? I don't know about this. Now, mike, you've got absolutely nothing to worry about. Harold and I have got it all figured out, don't you, harold? Well, here's how I see it. Mike, you and the motorcycle have a combined weight of 317 pounds. Now, with our limited given approach, the motorcycle will reach a maximum speed of 42.7 kilometres per hour. Allow me to show you what will happen. Watch this, mike. You'll feel a lot better about this. Mike, let's assume this is you on the motorcycle. And your goal is to leap over the lodge. There's the lodge there. We'll take this back to 47.2 kilometres per hour, and here's what will happen... I don't know about this. See, that's why I was looking at the motorcycle book. We can soup up the engine and give it a lot more power. When I get done with it what will happen is we're gonna get her up to 85 mph. That's like a zillion over those kilometre things he was talking about. So this is more how she's gonna go... See like that. Oh! Oh! Okay, too much. We'll back up. It's gonna be fine, right, harold? It went right across like that. Come on back here. Come on. Take the bike, okay? Take her down to the garage. We'll work on it together. We'll get her working fine. Come on. Just get her -- away you go. We're gonna be good. We got her good. We're gonna be good. Everything's gonna be great. Okay -- no! Hey, that's smart. Make the bike lighter. I don't know about this! Oh, mike, come on. Nothing to worry about at all. Come on, help me out. Is there anything I can do to make you feel better? You could try the jump first! Red: Dalton and I were gonna have a game of badminton out behind the lodge. Walter was there, more as a spectator. He had the lounge there, and he was gonna lie back. Couldn't get comfortable. Needed some type of a pillow; decided to use his own shoes. I don't know how comfy they were, but they sure put him to sleep. And I have a problem with badminton. I seem to always hit the bird just a little too hard. I don't know what it is. Look at that! The shoes came back and -- oh! This was an odd thing, because walter was hurting, yet everything seemed exactly the way it was before anything happened to him. Life's like that when you get older. So I tried to tone it down a bit, but I see that bird, and, bam! I just gotta -- and it went right up into the -- okay, okay, now, it's the only bird we've got, and it's up in the tree. Well, that's where a bird belongs if you think about it. I'm saying, don't worry. Just relax. I'll get the racket. Down she'll come. And... Uh-oh! All right, give me yours. Well, fine. Okay. All right. You know better. You go ahead, mr. Smarty pants. So dalton shows us how easy this really is. Just that simple, really. So then I come back. I've got walter's lounge. Don't worry. Everything's gonna come down here. What could possibly go wrong? Stand back, guys. All gonna come down now. I can't believe this. Okay, we've got two choices... Either play badminton up in the tree, or get somebody to go up there and bring it down. So walter's the lightest one, so we have a little -- just stop. Grab my arms! Stop fooling around. All right. Up you go, walter. Away you go. Up you go. Up you go. Watch where you step. Watch -- look out. Oh, my gosh. Oh, boy! Wow! Ow! Ow! Ooh! So walter gets up there, starts shinnying out to the end of the branch and and all he's gotta do is grab the -- grab the rackets and -- oh, there's one racket. And it sticks right into the ground. And then he -- oh! There goes the lounge. Wow! Okay, we're getting there. There goes the other racket. They're all set up. Just gotta get the bird now. Reach out -- oh! Easy, easy, easy! Oh! Oh! Well, walter, you didn't get the bird. Oh, here it comes. And... There we go. [ ♪ ] hi, everybody. Ranger gord here. You know, prejudice is a terrible thing. I don't think it's right for people to make judgments on other people, especially when they don't know those people. Now, I get very upset when somebody who doesn't even know me calls me an idiot. If someone I know calls me an idiot, that doesn't bother me at all. Why? Because they're all morons, that's why. Which reminds me, today's animated educational feature is all about lumberjacks. So sit back, enjoy it. I hope you learn something from it. But remember, don't call me an idiot, unless you know me first. Here we go. [ ♪♪ ] today, I'm going to teach everyone on the planet about being a lumberjack, because not everybody is lucky enough to be an accountant or a freelance proctologist. Oh, well, looky here. Here's the late red green. I see it tired you out dragging your axe all the way out here, huh? You see, harold, we have here a tree that is dead and dangerous to everyone who passes by. Now, let me show you what a real lumberjack does to a tree like this. Hand me the axe, please, red. No, it's okay, gord. I'll get this baby down. You know, a real lumberjack would see this isn't a tree at all. It's a steel pole! [ hearty laugh ] you know, you could've mentioned that, gord. No! Experience is the best teacher, harold. Come on. Climbing trees is a big part of being a lumberjack. Hey, let's have a little race, shall we, harold? Okay, ready, on your mark -- you see, harold, it's not just my superior knowledge and athleticism. Equipment is a big part of it. You see, I have these special cleats on my boots that dig right into the tree trunk. Do you have those, harold? Uh, no. [ harold screaming ] [ harold and red screaming ] the lesson here, boys and girls, is never underestimate job skills. You know, just because you're a lumberjack, or even a forest ranger, for that matter, that doesn't necessarily mean you're a hopeless loser with no chance of ever meeting women. Well, it does in some cases. [ hearty laugh ] that's lumberjack humour, isn't it? [ hearty laugh ] [ ♪ ] [ applause ] I got some great news for you. Cordless telephones are not just for the super rich anymore. Oh, no. Now you can have that same freedom and luxury no matter what level of poverty or squalor you're wallowing in. All you need is just a normal telephone, a couple of these construction safety cones and of course, a rat. Okay, now, you take the handset off the phone and mount that on the wall. And then you attach the other safety cone to the listening end. Okay, now you put a little teeter-totter over the phone here. And this is where you put your cheese on here, and then you have the rat you take out of your pocket, and you put him on there. When he eats the cheese and the weight puts the plunger down, and you're ready to receive calls. Now, I've arranged for winston to call and give us a little demonstration. Watch what happens when the phone rings. [ ring ] hello! Winston: Hey, red, how's this comin' through? Loud and clear. Great. Well, gotta go. Septic emergency. Yeah, okay, winston. [ disconnects dial tone ] [ applause ] well, it's all systems go. Mike'll be jumping over the lodge any minute now. The seniors have been a bit of a problem in the crowd there. They complained they were so close they were gonna get killed. When we moved them back, they complained they were too far from the bathrooms. But all in all, it's pretty exciting, isn't it, harold? I don't know about this. Well, now don't you start. This is your event! Oh, no! It's not my event! My event was psycho ernie leaping over the lodge -- a professional cycle jumper, with no second thoughts. Ernie doesn't have first thoughts. Exactly. But this is mike, our friend, a lodge member. What is the worst that could happen? Mike screaming to his death in an exploding ball of fire. You are so negative, you know that? Well, I wanted to cancel this. I should'a canceled this! You talked me out of it. Harold, everything's gonna be fine. Mike is ready. We overhauled the motorcycle. The engine's got plenty of power. I give you my word as a mechanic that everything is going to be great. [ motorcycle motor revving ] I'm canceling! You're too late. He's already on his way! Look! Oh! Oh! Look at him go! What did you do to that motorcycle? Well, we burrowed out the cylinders, put in oversized pistons, racing cam. I figure we quadrupled the horsepower on that baby. It's like a rocket! Did you put a bigger gas tank on it? Why would we do that, harold? Well, when you increase the displacement, you increase the fuel consumption. Mike could run out of gas. [ engine sputtering ] I think. You should cancel. Mike! Mike, are you okay? Mike: I'm fine. I'm on the roof! Harold, harold, get the ladder. It's okay, mike. We'll get you down. Okay, you know, there's a lesson to you youngsters watching out there... Don't ever jump a building with a motorized vehicle, unless you have a really huge gas tank. [ possum squealing ] oh, meeting time! Meeting time! Meeting time, everybody! Uncle red! Uncle red. It's meeting time. Shouldn't you be holding the ladder for mike? Yes. So if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. We made a little mistake today. Harold and I thought that mike could be an entertainer, but you know, he didn't go over all that well. And to the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and the whole gang at the lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ applause ] come in, guys. Come in. Sit down. All rise! Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. All right, bow your heads for the men's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess. Okay, men, now that we know what we did wrong, would anybody here like to volunteer to jump the lodge next year? Dalton, you wanna jump the lodge? Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you said 'junk' the lodge. Closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com